The last few months, as I mentioned in a previous post, have made blogging rather difficult. First it was feeling unwell, then it was realising why I was feeling unwell and then experiencing the overwhelming avalanche of emotions that came with the realisation that I am pregnant. Yup, there's a big reveal for you!
Since then I have been
in a little world of my own. A world I, quite honestly, have longed
to be in for such a long time. This little one has been hoped for,
prayed for and wanted for so long that I almost felt like I knew who
they were before they were even here. I felt like I was simply
waiting for them to choose their moment to make their arrival. It has
been a journey of loss and many tears but finally here we are and all
I have wanted to do is to revel in it. To sit around and be in a
private little world of joy with just this little one for company.
I don't know about you
but I often do my most honest and upfront thinking in the middle of
the night. I find myself waking up with a thought screaming out in my
mind that I have perhaps been suppressing in my waking hours.
Sometimes that has been frightening. Realising a deep sadness or a
pressing fear but recently (as well as the waking up with all the
usual fears that accompany pregnancy like 'Oh my goodness what is
something happens to the baby!') I woke up with this very loud thought in
my mind and sense in my heart, simply 'Life'.
It was like life
bubbling up, life rediscovered. All I could think was that it felt
life was surging through me like an electric current. The clouds had
parted and I could well and truly see the sun. I realised that I had
been staring up, almost unknowingly, at the clouds for so very long
and that now I was looking up at pure sunshine again.
I say this knowing full
well that so much of life in recent years has been an absolute joy. I
remember vividly praying in church towards the end of last year that
even if my biggest prayer for this baby was never answered then I
would still be so deeply thankful because in these last few years, in
this lifetime really, I have already been given what feels like the
whole world. How could I respond to all that has come about with any
reaction other than a deep 'thanks'?
But as I wrote at the
turn of this year, before I knew what this year held in store, that
joy has been intertwined with sadness too. I hadn't realised how big
the cloud was until I came out, so unexpectedly, from under it. And
so it was a wonderful midnight revelation to realise that this new
life was acting like a fresh spring breeze helping me to rediscover
my own sense of life. Their life growing feels like life welling up
in me and I am so hugely grateful for it. I feel like I am
rediscovering all the best of things - faith, life, hope, the whole
And now? My goodness I
have no idea what the future is going to bring. Everything has
changed. I'm not sure how I will write about it, what I'll want to
write, what I'll be able to. Who knows. But this seems good for now.